Saturday, June 28, 2008

I shamelessly haven't posted an update on my progress (or God forbid regress) in a long time. For this I am surely apologetic. I have taken my ambien for the night yet am not yet asleep. The results are an update to you from a more uncensored, un-self-edited version of me. I hope in this state I don't have typos, because that would be tragic. Also tragic is still being awake at 3:43 in the morning. I am dealing with a bout of insomnia that even the "good stuff" doesn't seem to be handling properly.
I just had a scan on Thursday. It is the first scan since I began treatment and it will show how far along I have come, if the chemo is working........ I could trail off on that forever.
It has been giving me anxiety. I have transferred my attention and priority to the vast nothingness that is QVC. It seems to be the only thing that soothes me and I have been watching since April daily. I haven't shopped much as one would imagine with that amount of viewing time, but I do fancy myself an overweight Midwestern octogenarian. I enjoy indulging in makeup.
I'm finding emotions that are hard to deal with. They creep up on me when they're least welcome and expected, and I just wish that everything were NORMAL. I hope it will. I so don't want my story to be a tragedy. For the most part I get through my day with a sharp touch of cynicism, which I happen to find refreshing. Others, maybe not. It's not necessarily that I'm sad, because I don't think it's that. I think I'm angry. I think I don't know what to think. I am considering deleting this post because I don't feel like going back and reading what I've written.
I'm just going to post. I'll be back soon, I promise. I know I have other things to write, but the ambien has scattered me and it is quite difficult to focus. Maybe this means sleep is coming...

No comments: