Monday, September 1, 2008

To blog or not to blog...?

This whole blog thing's weird if you really think about it. I mean, how am I to know who's out there reading my thoughts? I could be writing to an audience of one. In my mind I can't imagine someone devoting their precious time to reading something I've written. So do I just pretend there's nobody out there reading, and write it all out like a diary? I guess that's one way to approach it, but I so failed miserably at blogging on my first attempt. I've had serious things to say, and yet still passed up the opportunity to do so. Maybe it's because throughout the last few months I haven't wanted to talk about being "sick". So what if yes, I was sick... I tried to ignore that as much as I could. I didn't need to think about it or talk about it 24/7. I'm not that kind of cancer chick who lets it become her and define her. Cancer, we tusseled around, her and I, and I got the upper hand in the end. End of story. Sure I'm left with a few scars, some obvious physical, some emotional. But I don't want to be defined by something like that.
For a long time now I've been struggling with who I am, who I want to be, what I want to do, what I want to become. There is the me that I have in theory and would like to be, and then there is the actuality of me (which for the time being, ain't been so pretty). I fancy myself a bright girl with a lot to offer, but when it comes down to selecting what it is I need to do, I become increasingly self deprecating - who'd want to hire me?
There are so many things I wish for. I want to be a better wife. A good domesticated goddess who can cook and clean and fix things and bake scrumptious goodies with ease and on command. I want to be a better friend. I want to be accessible and available to my friends and to make friends. I should probably charge my cell phone that's been dead for the last 5 months. I want to travel and read more. Be knowledgeable and cultured and sophisticated... You know, all grown up and whatnot. I want to know my professional calling. I want to start working and making money and be more independent and buy property in the forseeable future. So many I wants...
But back to the thought at hand: Should I blog for myself or for my invisible audience?
For now I will use this as a cathartic tool, to try to let some of myself out. I'm severely self-editing. Maybe I should just be me, and let everybody see me, the way I am, unapologetically? And that way if you don't like me, it won't be because I was painfully shy and never ventured to make the effort. I always feel so sad about the past; missed opportunities and friendships because I was too shy or lazy or I don't know what.
I'm tired of wondering what people will think of me. Life's too short to live like that. The people that love me will, and that's all I need.

Feeling somewhat vindicated over myself.

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