Since my body changed after cancer, I felt unhappy with myself. I did not want to treat myself to new clothes with this new figure of mine. That meant accepting this weight gain. I didn't want to accept it. I wanted it to be a temporary phase. I would redeem the contents of that bin soon, I told myself. In the meantime, I bought clothes at Target in various shades of gray. My wardrobe had a lot of gray. Again, I'd remind myself that if I just buckled down, I'd have my old clothes and figure back in no time.
But I never had discipline. Diet attempts really turned into a lot of self-loathing. Any time I thought about how I wanted to lose weight, I would get hungry. I'd watch the Biggest Loser for inspiration, they would air a Jack in the Box commercial and I would leave to get my spicy chicken sandwich fix (but really, how cruel to air fast food promos during a show about obese people!?). Months turned to years, and then I got pregnant. I was so, so happy pregnant. Sure, I was disappointed when I went to a Pea in the Pod to pick out a pair of 7 for all mankind maternity jeans only to discover the largest size wouldn't fit over my hips (and when the whore saleslady told me to buy a bra at Lane Bryant!). But this was my time to be pleasantly plump. I got a kick out of being huge, and giggled at my massively swollen feet. I figured I would get to lose all the baby weight, PLUS chemo weight just by breastfeeding. I even joked that I would keep pumping long after weaning just so I could lose weight (ha!).
But that was not the case. Sure, most of the baby weight came off, but there was quite a bit more left after that. It was clear that if I wanted this to happen, I had to work for it. Half on a whim and half stubbornly determined that this will be my year, I signed up for Weight Watchers online on January 3. I've lost 17.5 lbs in three
Something clicked. It just works. I've tried Nutrisystem in the past (and it works for about 4 weeks, and then you want to die if you have to eat one more of their meals). Weight watchers taught me how much I can eat of things I actually want to eat. Really, I've had a lot of chili dogs during this "diet". And cookies. And tacos. Because I've learned how to portion out my daily allotment of food, I have been able to make choices depending on what sounds good to me to eat. I've learned what the really bad foods are, and that if I want to have a large lunch, I'm going to have to have a smaller dinner. I've learned that I can have little indulgences and not feel guilty. I am not feeling deprived. This is just working.
So back to that bin. All of my jeans that I have been wearing since last year are huge on me. And the boyfriend look isn't looking too fab for much longer. But I'm still not quite ready to go out and buy all new clothes, since I still have a few more pounds I'd like to lose. So I got out that bin. One by one I tried them on, expecting to feel disappointed. As I slipped on pair after pair, and slid through that top button, I was in total disbelief.
I now have 6 "new" pairs of designer jeans. Honestly, it feels better than buying new jeans. It's like I've reconnected with 6 dear, old friends. Oh how we've missed each other!
There are still a few more pairs in that bin that would like to find their way out (ok and a couple that I've held on to for sentimental reasons that I seriously doubt I'd ever fit into again!). But what I have found that is so totally strange, is how my weight now is more than what I weighed when these jeans became too small for me. How does that work? Am I carrying more weight somewhere else? Elbows? Maybe from working out I have muscles? Though we haven't made it into the gym in weeks because we all took turns being sick around here.
I don't know, I don't care. I feel lighter both physically and emotionally, and you can't put a number on that.