The End of Breastfeeding

I think yesterday was my last day breastfeeding. And I'm horribly depressed about it.

My antibiotics finished on Friday, and I was all ready to resume breastfeeding. I missed it. I know I probably sound like a broken record, but I love the close bond I have with her when I nurse her. Sure, it would have eventually come to an end, probably around 6-8 months, which was my goal. She is 4 1/2 months now, so it's not like it's that far off.

But I'm just not ready.

Yesterday I resumed bfing her. She ate wonderfully at 10 a.m. I think she quite got her fill, because she was happy as a clam until 2 p.m. At that feeding, however, she was not having it. She was getting all kinds of frustrated having to work so hard since my supply has plummeted. So I supplemented with a bottle of formula (which she practically snatched out of my hand to shove in her mouth as soon as it got near her).

But that's not the problem. I know I can deal with supply issues. I can shove fenugreek capsules down my throat and pump away and know that my supply will eventually regulate itself. But I have to stop bfing her for my own health, and it's making me so uneasy.

My arthritis pain has gotten so out of hand in the last month and a half that it's quite scary. I can hardly walk. Forget bending at the knees, or running upstairs to fetch something with ease, or even curling my toes. I'm still getting fevers and feeling physically drained. After seeing some doctors, they all advise I go on this medication called methotrexate, which is freaking me out. Probably because it's a form of chemotherapy, and my mind goes "there". It's naturally a smaller dose, but it still has side effects, one of which is fatigue the day after the drug is taken (the dosage is once a week). And then I have to get bloodwork done every couple of weeks. This is pretty much my only option, because all the other arthritis drugs have lymphoma as a side effect (fml).

I'm sorry but I just don't want to feel like a patient anymore! I don't want to have to be in and out of dr's offices for the rest of my life like this. I want to feel NORMAL just like everyone else. I want to take care of my daughter and provide her with everything she needs. I just feel like a failure. The only thing keeping me going is that there is a little voice inside of me saying that the best way to take care of her is to take care of myself (ok, that voice may just be my mom and DH). I want to be able to run around and chase her when she gets mobile, and be able to take her on long walks without limping. I just wish I didn't have to rely on some scary pills for that (that I'm honestly not even 100% positive will fix me).

And I know this also sounds silly, but I feel like the end of breastfeeding = the reality that my baby girl is growing up. It's the end of this newborn phase (OK she hasn't been a newborn for a while now, I get it), and she's going to be a toddler before I know it. She doesn't have to rely on me for everything now. Anyone can feed her now. I'm probably selfish for wanting to be the only one who could provide her with everything she needs. I just always imagined that everything would happen on MY terms, but time is moving so fast, and I can't stop her from growing up. It's such a strange feeling to be torn between wanting her to stay little like this forever and at the same time feeling like I can't wait to see her walk and have real conversations with her and take her places where she'll have actual memories at. Motherhood can be so painful.

Anyway, thanks for reading, and thank you for your support. I'm sure in light of all the problems I'm having I seem ridiculous for caring so much about going to formula... but, um, in all fairness, poop on formula = holy crap!!! - but that's enough to warrant a whole separate post.

Happy Halloween!

We had a nice little celebration here at our house for Gabriella's first Halloween. My father in law, Rick and Madeline were able to come out here from Arizona to spend some quality time with her. It was a pretty low-key weekend because I'm still (STILL!) not feeling very well. Slowly getting better, operative word being slowly. We went trick or treating around the neighborhood and Gigi scored us a little candy - we felt so creepy going up to peoples' doors with her because it either looks like a) we're morons who will give a baby candy or b) we're jerks who exploit our baby for candy. But it was social practice for her! She had so much fun in her costume and was so cozy in there. I was worried because she had been pretty fussy during the day, but once the costume came on she was all smiles. Anyway, here are the goods - my little Ducky!

We let her reach into the bowl to grab candy and she kept going for lollipops! I love her so much as a little ducky that I sort of want to dress her up in this again. What's an appropriate time/place to do this? Election day? Thanksgiving? Am I crazy?

P.S. Will someone please talk my hubbs out of the goatee he's decided to sport as of late?

The Verdict's In...

Formula does not = sleeping through the night. Ah well, what can ya do? We have this huge internal conflict with ourselves every time she wakes up. Do we get her? Do we let her cry? Is she really hungry right now? Are we missing the boat by not introducing sleep discipline now? There's a million questions we have and the truth is, I suppose there never really is a right and wrong answer.

At the moment Gabriella is doing something she's never done before - napping by herself, sans swaddle. Would it be crazy for me to admit to y'all that since birth, she takes her naps either in someone's arms, the moby (which hasn't been broken out in almost a month!), the ergo, or swaddled? And in the swaddle is a relatively new development - and one that only really affords us a 45 minute stretch at best (where she's been known to doze comfortably for a couple hours in someone's arms). Fine, she's a high-maintenance baby. They all said the first month was all about survival - and I guess it's stayed that way ever since. I do worry that we're setting her up to be a little on the needier side. At night she falls asleep easily and beautifully on her own; we put her to bed swaddled, awake but drowsy, with her trusty waterfall sound machine running, and she's out within 5 minutes. That's always been easy. If only there was a way to influence her to stay snoozing for a while longer...

Anyhow, back to the nap. She's napping on our bed, right next to me. On her side. With a blanket. Something I completely swore I'd never ever do, and yet here we are. And she's been going on like this for well over an hour. If it works...

But what's really most notable is that I just ordered her a Manhattan Winkel.

Because the name made me giggle.

Ultrasound...

So I had an ultrasound done today...

nope, not pregnant! Don't you worry, I'm not goin' there for a while! Anyhow, remember how I thought I had the flu? Yeah, not so much. The calf pain got so bad, coupled with my recurring fever, that DH took me to urgent care this morning. They took one look at my bulging leg and told me to hightail it to the emergency room for some testing, because guess what - it looks like deep vein thrombosis (fml, I freaked myself out about that one from googling already)! They ran some bloodwork and did an ultrasound on my leg, and about 7 hours later decided it looks like cellulitis - a really awesome term for an infection that requires me to take antibiotics. MUCH better than the whole DVT thing - which a really thoughtful nurse felt the need to tell me could so lead to death if the clot gets dislodged and goes to my lungs! Yeah I felt like a ticking time bomb the whole day.

So the course of action is 5 days of antibiotics, which = 5 days of no breastfeeding. My freezer stash already has been depleted from me being sick, and then being gone all day at the hospital. I've got like 2 servings left. Enter formula.

Ahh the other F word. G has not had a drop of anything besides breastmilk (ok and mylecon, her vitamins and tylenol). But no formula! I have taken such pride in breastfeeding Gigi for the last 4 months. I've loved it. The bonding is beyond words, and I always had that tiny dreaded feeling of it coming to an end eventually. I set myself a goal of at least 6 months that I was adamant about sticking to. And now I have to introduce this foreign interloper into her diet?!

Now I don't want it to come across as if I'm being judgmental about formula-feeding mamas - I'm not. I've just felt so strongly about nursing my daughter and have become so attached to it. It's definitely challenging at first, and sure, there have been plenty of times when I've thought it would be so much easier to be able to have someone else feed her at 3 a.m. But that's the whole point - I was sacrificing myself for what was best for my baby. It's been the most valuable lesson in selflessness I've had in my life. And I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I'm planning on pumping and dumping for the next week, and she's going to have herself some formula now. I gave her her first bottle of it tonight, and I thought for sure she would hate me for it (sure, I'm nuts). I honestly don't think she could tell the difference! I was paranoid and thought she was purposely not looking at me because of this great injustice I was doing to her, but then I remembered how much she loves staring at recessed lighting, so that could have explained the ignoring of mama. I'm hoping to go right back to bf-ing in a week. Unless of course formula magically makes her start sleeping through the night. Then I may have to rethink things. A little.

4 Months Old!

Say hi to my little 1/3 of a year-old baby! I love her so very much and can't believe how she changes a little bit each day. Here are the latest updates/stats:

• 15 lbs 2 oz and 25 inches long - 80th and 75th percentiles!
• Still rockin the size 2 diaps but our chubby thighs hint that size 3 may be coming soon! So not looking forward to that (keep reading below for why).
• She's getting so close to rolling over from back to front. She's almost fully there, she just needs that extra little push. 
• Sleep is no longer an option in our house. We're asleep at 7:30 and up again around 11:45, 1, 2:30, 3:30, 4:15... It's not always crying for food, sometimes it's just her babbling really loudly in a protesting way, so we have to go in there and give her the paci and shush a little until she falls back asleep. It's tiring! We've tried letting her babble herself to sleep but it turns into crying, and then neither of us gets any sleep. I have friends whose little ones are going 12 hour stretches (seriously I'd love 6 at this point!). I just hope hope hope that we can get there someday soon!
• She still sleeps swaddled, and seems to like it as she goes down to sleep really well, but we're looking into getting the Magical Merlin Sleepsuit (or whatever it's called - it has a pretty solid following so it may just be worth it).
• Dr. wants to hold off on solids until 6 months, which I was a little bummed about because I'd heard that solids can help baby sleep better, but he said that solids too early can contribute to obesity and food allergies, so no thanks... so maybe all G'll want for Christmas this year is some solid food! (probably a bit too early for the two front teeth ha)
• Our Dr. said Gabriella is the smartest baby in his practice. He could have been trying to make us feel better about the non-sleeping thing. Or he could have been fishing for a tip. I'll just take it as fact. :-)

So remember the stupid flu shot I got a couple weeks ago? Well I got the effing flu! I've felt crummy for a while now and Wednesday night I got really feverish. I'm an aching mess. My arthritis is KILLING me (I had zero symptoms of it when pregnant with Gabby) in my knees, hips, toes, ankles, thumbs - you name it. And I've had horribly sore muscles. My right calf is so painful right now I can only hobble around. It's ridiculous. I have no clue what it's about so I'm hoping it isn't anything serious (like the deep vein thrombosis I came across when googling). Thankfully I've had lots of help from my parents with Gabby and hubby has been working extra hard to help out (he's been getting up with her all night to help me out). I hate not being able to spend most of my day with her. But I know it's most important that I work on getting better asap so I can snuggle with her soon.

Oh and why do I not want to move on to size 3 diapers? Because they don't come with the little yellow line down the middle that turns blue when the diaper is wet! We so rely on that line. That line is a lifesaver. I love the line. WHY do they get rid of it on size 3 and up?! Probably because at that point they assume parents are bright enough to know when their little ones have peeshed themselves. I'm not there yet! Sure I can anticipate the wet diaper 15 minutes after a meal, and first thing in the morning (I swear it weighs as much as her), and maybe after a nap. But there are times when you just don't know! Sometimes babies double pee... then what? Sometimes you could swear they should be wet and they so aren't, and you don't want to go around wasting diapers (they cost like 22 cents apiece!). I mean unless you want to shove your nose in there to see if it really is wet. Who wants to do that?! Come on Pampers Swaddlers Sensitive! (and she doesn't really have sensitive skin, we just liked these better and they didn't come with the dreaded DryMax). Phew! *end rant*

Here are some more shots of my lovely girl at 4 months, and a few random pics from when we went to brunch a couple weekends ago that I forgot to post (her 4 month pics are such terrible quality, there was no light, coupled with mama feeling blah... at least I did them!)...

 Burp face!

G checking out the turtles!

A very important birthday...

Today is someone's birthday... Benny! He's now 4 years old (that's 28 in his years - he's finally older than me!). I still remember the very first time I laid eyes on him, and how he ran to us and leaped headfirst into my lap. He was so tiny and sweet then. The first night we brought him home I felt so sad for him so I slept on the floor with him and he slept with his little head in my hand. He's grown up to be a little tubbier than predicted (most Malteses aren't more than 7 lbs but he is about 12). He's a fiesty pup, and we're clearly to blame for not training him properly.

I feel so terrible that he hasn't been getting nearly the amount of love and affection he got from us before ever since Gigi was born. I want to change that... it's just so hard though to devote time to do anything properly besides take care of my baby. I blog while eating lunch... I shower right before bed in 5 minutes because any longer and I will likely fall asleep in there... My reading time is limited to however long I spend in the bathroom that day (ew?).

I'm sad because it's not fair to him, but there's nothing I can do. I can only hope that it gets better and easier. I envy those moms who seem like they can do it all - take care of their little ones, the house, their husbands, their pets AND work. How do they do it?

Anyway this wasn't supposed to be so sad - it's the little Bean's b-day! This blog was named for him after all. I'm going to make sure we celebrate doggy style tonight!

Ew get your heads out of the gutter. I meant with a proper family birthday dinner. Duh.

The Pumpkin Patch

We took Gabby to the pumpkin patch on Saturday so she could pick out her very first pumpkin! I asked around for recommendations to awesome ones in our area and got a bunch of really great suggestions, so we packed ourselves up and ignored them all and went to the little one by my parents' house. We decided not to bother with driving an extra 20 minutes/paying admission since we figured she'd probably tire out fast anyway (and we were right!) and we wouldn't fully be able to take advantage of hayrides and all that yet. We had a really nice time, and I managed to capture some cute shots of her with all the pumpkin hoopla...

And I have to admit, I will get a big fat FAIL for this... I'm not going to make G's Halloween costume. I so wanted to make an adorable little bee costume, but time's been ticking by and I realized that a) I don't have much of it, and b) they actually sell cute costumes for babies to wear. So I think Gabby is going to rock a duck this year. :-) Oh and we left the pumpkin patch without buying a pumpkin. Fail #2?

It's Been a Year?

One year since I found out that my world would change forever. That my world would turn amazing...

One year ago today I was ravenous for hot dogs, apalled at the smell of my new bottle of my old favorite shampoo and could smell the coffee from the shop in the lobby at work from the parking garage. One year ago this evening, I was rushing like a madwoman to bake sweet rolls in the oven before my husband came home to be able to tell him my news. Our news.

And now she's here.

How does a year go by so fast??

Where were we?

Oh yes, my blog! That's right, you DO exist!

Sorry, I slack because I care. I'm just so busy living an enormous life at the moment so that I may have something to write about that I lost track of writing/uploading pictures/sleeping...

Shall I work my way backwards? I got a flu shot yesterday last week (I so can't finish writing a post in one sitting) in the hopes that it will stave off illness in our house this winter. Hubby got one too, except his was free at work. I somehow got suckered into paying $30 at Walgreens for it... and the pharmacist didn't even put a band-aid on me! I mean for 30 bucks I'm expecting a Hello Kitty band-aid, or Spongebob in the very least. Pff. And then I get to work Monday and see a lovely flyer announcing free flu shots for employees next Friday. Arrrg. OK well here are some updates:

• For the last few days Last week, G has been was going through something (Jesus do I need to rework the whole post?!). She no longer sleeps (or semi-sleeps) through the night. It had been bed time at 8 p.m. and a feeding around 3 or 4 (or sometimes not until 6) for a while. And I was griping about getting up for the darn 3 am feed... Now she's up at 12/1 AND 3/4. Earlier in the week she was up every two hours, and was really fussy. She's been sleepier during the day too, so I'm thinking it's a growth spurt. She is drooling a lot and is always noming on her hands, which I've read is an early sign of teething. But I feel like it's too soon for that, right? I know "they" talk about that 4 month wakeful thing... I'm scared. Very scared. Aaaand last night she slept like a little angel from 7:30-4 a.m. (just in time for mommy to wake up and feed her before getting ready for work). Hoping it was just a one week fluke!

• She babbles all the time and I have the funniest conversations with her. She likes to air out her grievances to me, and sounds just like a mini dictator. I go along with it. I swear she knows what I'm saying. And I still swear I hear her saying mama. ;-)

• She likes to splash in the tub now. And suck the water off her hands. And try to stand/scoot around in it so we have to be super watchful, since we're paranoid she'll just slide right under water. 

• She tries to stand up on us, and she's super kicky. We need to get her a jumperoo so she can get all her energy out! Any recs?

I really want to take her to the pumpkin patch, but the last couple of weekends have been SO HOT out. I refuse to go unless it's at least somewhat fall-like out! I think we'll go this weekend regardless. On Saturday we went to the Ronald Reagan museum to impart some wisdom and culture on our child. It was nice spending the day together as a little family without having to worry about work (hubby had been working Saturdays for a long time. Here's G in the Oval Office:

DH fail of the day: A nice elderly volunteer smiled at Gigi and said "Future President, eh?" to us. I smiled, but DH opened his pie hole and corrected him, "Future First Lady!" Whaaaaa? She can be president ya know. Baaaad Adam.

I was very amused by the beverage selection in Reagan's Pub...

That evening we went to the Magic Castle with some friends while my parents kindly watched Gabby sleep. It's this neat members only club inside a castle (durh), and you go into these different rooms and watch magic tricks. We were so glad to get out and have some adult time with friends! We had a few drinks and enjoyed some magic (that sounds funny to me for some reason). I have just one picture from the evening, and I have to scan it, so I'll just post it later. Because otherwise this post will never get finished! Oh, wait I do have one pic, from before we left.

Gosh we've changed so much from how we looked just a few years ago...

I think it's time to go blonde... and go on a diet. Perhaps eating Wendy's every day isn't the way to lose baby weight?

Gabriella's First Laugh

Testing testing! Please disregard hubby and my complete dorkiness. We were just so hyped that she was laughing oh so adorably!

Update: Yes it appears it works! Haha I'm always waaay too slow to the game in figuring out how to do things. :-)